My Partner Cheated — What Now?
What do you think of when you hear the words “good relationship”? Probably not cheating, lying, or deceit. And yet infidelity happens regularly, and it doesn’t automatically mean the end of a relationship. Couples who stay together after such an event, moreover, often say their relationship is stronger than before. Relationship therapy can help you move forward after a breach of trust caused by infidelity.
It felt right
That’s also what a man, 53, experienced after his wife had cheated. A difficult situation that brought a lot of grief with it — he had never expected it. “In my view we were, at our core, good friends first, and only later lovers. In the first year of my studies I met her at the student association and we became friends. When we graduated, we noticed that more had developed between us than friendship alone. We started a relationship, and not long after we moved in together. Because I got a job abroad, we also quickly decided to get married. It felt right, so we were fully behind it.”
Little time for each other
“A few years later we had our daughters, twins. Wonderful, of course, but also incredibly intense. Combined with a busy job, sports, and a social life, you have little time left for each other. My wife decided to work less for a few years so she could focus on the children. I supported that, of course, and financially we could easily manage. And for a few years that also seemed to be the right recipe for keeping our family running the way we wanted.”
Out of sight
“I admit,” the man continues, “I found it hard to divide my attention. I was too caught up in my own head with work, because I really didn’t see that my wife wasn’t happy anymore. Everything just kept going, I noticed nothing. In hindsight it turned out she’d already been feeling unwell in the relationship for a while. She felt insufficiently challenged and was bored. She’s an intelligent woman, and doing the housework five days a week simply wasn’t enough for her anymore once the girls got older. But whenever she brought up the topic, I always got uncomfortable and didn’t really want to talk about it. Afraid that we’d lose sight of each other if she started working more again.”
The affair
“Eventually she found another way to fill her daily life — she started an affair with an acquaintance. I found out when she started being secretive about phone calls and was suddenly away from home more often. I also noticed she was behaving differently. I decided to look through her phone and found texts there from that other man. I felt defeated and deeply hurt. No, that wasn’t a pleasant period for us.”
Taking stock
“At first I thought I’d immediately pack my bags and leave. In a sense I did do that too, because after confronting my wife, I decided to go on a week’s holiday with a friend. To get out of the situation for a bit and take stock. Once home, I’d come to the conclusion that I didn’t want to give up just like that, but that a lot would be needed before everything would be normal again. Then my wife said something that stuck with me. She said she didn’t want to go back to normal, because that made her unhappy. But she did want to continue with me. That was the moment we decided to go into relationship therapy.”
Relationship therapy
“In relationship therapy, at Loveworkx, we started working together on regaining trust. After the breach of trust, we both felt sad. There had, of course, been a lot leading up to it. By mapping out the problems, we learned to recognize and break through our limiting patterns. At first, relationship therapy seemed like a last resort, but what surprised me is that relationship therapy is also simply enjoyable. It’s nice to gain insights into your partner and get to know yourself better. That gives you the energy to go for it again, to try again together. Full of confidence, we’re now moving forward together again. And honestly, it could easily have ended very differently.”