Infidelity and the Month of December
December is just around the corner. Normally a month to look forward to. But this year it’s different. Your partner has cheated. Possibly resulting in the biggest marriage crisis you’ve ever had. What are you going to do? Move forward together, or put an end to it? And how on earth do you get through the holidays?
The perfect picture?
Christmas and New Year’s. Some love it, while others can’t wait for January to arrive so ordinary life can start again. Obligations and cozy family dinners are experienced by many as stressful. All that fuss! The perfect picture really clashes when all sorts of things are going on in your relationship and you feel like you’re fooling everyone, including yourself, by pretending to be one happy family. Your husband being a bit charming with your parents… Honestly, you’d love to skip this month entirely.
December is not the month to break up
For many couples, December isn’t a month to make big decisions about their relationship. Which means they end up in a kind of standstill this month. That doesn’t mean the infidelity can just be “parked” for a while, until the Christmas ornaments go back into the attic and the kids go back to school. Anger, sadness, and frustration surface unexpectedly. Many women get extra angry precisely because of the “nothing’s wrong here” performance that’s now being put on.
What can you do to get through this month reasonably well?
Infidelity coming to light, and all the emotions that come with it, takes a lot of energy. Maybe you’re sleeping worse, eating less, or have less focus than usual because of everything. Don’t expect yourself to craft five little surprise gifts or cook a four-course dinner for the whole family. Can someone take something off your plate? Can you arrange catering? Look for solutions and be extra kind to yourself. It doesn’t have to be perfect, especially not this year.
During the holidays you spend a lot of time together. The kids are on break and your partner might be too. Even so, in this situation it can be really nice to have moments to yourself. Time and space where you can let your emotions flow freely, where you don’t have to shine for a while, even while feeling deeply miserable inside. Make a plan to go to the sauna, exercise, or go for a walk. Your family can certainly do without you for an hour or an afternoon. Even if this is possibly the very last Christmas as a family.
It’s possible your family will notice that something’s going on. Of course, you’re not obligated to fully explain exactly what’s wrong.
Especially women find it nice to confide in someone. Just keep in mind: the more people you share your partner’s infidelity with, the more reactions you’ll get. All that well-meaning advice can confuse you even more. And your thoughts were already going in every direction…
Do you notice that the question “what now?” keeps occupying your mind? Consider relationship therapy. What I notice is that once couples have made the decision to go into therapy together, to look, under the guidance of an expert, at whether there’s still a way back, that alone already brings some peace. You don’t need to know RIGHT NOW how to move forward, together or apart. That will become clear after our conversations, in the new year!
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 16 years, she has helped more than 1,350 people through individual and relationship therapy. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She regularly works with expats and wrote the e-book ‘Cheating. 5 Steps to Recover from Infidelity.’ She works from her practices in Huizen, Almere Poort, and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.