Moving Forward After a Breach of Trust
When your relationship is new and passionate, you can’t imagine those flames ever going out. Yet along the way, all kinds of things can happen that cause that to happen anyway. When one of the partners then cheats, it often feels like the definitive extinguishing of a flame that was already fading. That’s how it feels, but it doesn’t have to be the case. Even after a breach of trust, love can blossom again — but both partners need to put in some effort for that.
Away more often and for longer
A woman, in her mid-forties, talks about the breach of trust that occurred in her relationship. She’d been with her husband for almost twenty years. His ambitious attitude toward life and boundless energy was what had initially attracted her to him. And she supported his dream of growing his business wherever she could. But alongside caring for her two children, her volunteer work, and keeping a busy household running, she suddenly noticed her husband was staying away more and more often, and for longer.
He was seeing a mistress
She increasingly felt alone in the marriage. “We deliberately chose our division of roles — I feel good taking care of our children, and my husband feels good working hard on his business. There’s nothing wrong with that. But it still needs to feel like we’re doing it as a team, even if our tasks look different. I no longer had that feeling. More and more, I was on my own, even on weekends. More and more, little excuses came up for why plans couldn’t go ahead. And when my husband was home, he also showed no physical interest at all. That was the moment I became suspicious. Not much later, I discovered he was seeing a mistress.”
Breach of trust through infidelity
Many couples experience the discovery of infidelity as traumatic. Both parties subsequently end up on an (emotional) rollercoaster they don’t know how to handle. Infidelity undermines trust in each other, and, for the betrayed party, trust in themselves. These people often wonder whether there’s something wrong with them that made their partner look elsewhere. Doubt also arises: who’s to say it won’t happen again? The sense of certainty about your partner, the unconditional nature of your relationship, has suddenly disappeared.
Overwhelmed by emotions
If you’re in a situation involving infidelity, it’s often difficult to see things clearly. This breach of trust leaves you overwhelmed by emotions. Feelings of sadness, anger, shame, or guilt fight for priority, and talking things through well with each other really no longer works. What follows are accusations, silences, or maneuvering past each other without knowing how to move forward. But however angry, sad, or hurt you are, it’s possible to let love work for you both again. People often think it’s too late, that it’s simply not in the cards anymore. But as long as you’re both willing to invest in the relationship, things can turn out well.
Finding the way back
Loveworkx uses a method with concrete steps to breathe new life into the relationship. Infidelity is often the result of a certain kind of lack. By discovering what one or both partners are missing in the relationship, you can find the way back to a fulfilling relationship. In that sense, infidelity can also be seen as the chance for a new beginning, if you both dare to take it on together.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.