Why Do We Cheat?
According to Durex’s annual sex survey, 31% of people cheat. What exactly falls under that, you might wonder? That affair at work, years of deceit, or that one slip-up with someone from the pub? Or can you take the phenomenon of cheating more broadly? Does an account on Second Love, or sharing racy photos or videos with someone other than your own partner, count too? And can we file everything that would at least cause a serious marital fight under “infidelity”?
The why question
The discussion of “what exactly is cheating, and where’s the dividing line” is one we’ll never fully resolve. I also don’t think everyone sees it the same way, or that anyone’s opinion on it stays unchanged for a whole lifetime.
What I find more interesting is how couples who are dealing with infidelity, and have ended up in quite the emotional rollercoaster, can regain clarity. How, in this difficult situation, they find their way back to each other, without constantly getting emotional and staying stuck in an impasse.
That, first of all, requires understanding. In most cases it starts with the why question. Why did someone cheat? Can that be answered honestly? What was he or she missing in the relationship? Or what was he or she missing within themselves? Because that last part often plays a role too, without you being aware of it.
Inner restlessness
Researchers used data from 8 million men who registered on the website of Ashley Madison, a global website that facilitates infidelity under the motto “Life is short. Have an affair.” It shows that 18% of men are more inclined to cheat when their age ends in a 9. A similar pattern was visible among women.
What these figures bring to light is that people become more restless as they approach a new decade, and start asking themselves more: is this it? Sometimes the fear of getting older also plays a role here, and people hope to get confirmation, through an affair, of how attractive they still are. In this case you could say there isn’t necessarily dissatisfaction with the relationship, but more a feeling of dissatisfaction and stagnation within the person themselves. Caught up in the busyness of daily life, you don’t stop to think about it, and it seems to just happen to you.
Dissatisfaction with connection, attention, and sex life
In my practice, however, I more often hear that the urge to cheat really does arise from dissatisfaction with the relationship. Partners become frustrated. Think of: a partner who has little time and attention for you, feeling like you’re not really appreciated or seen. Missing connection, intimacy, or an unsatisfying sex life. Spending a lot of time on work or on the children and feeling like you no longer get around to each other. Or the common “buddy” feeling: we do everything together, except make love to each other.
Often these are patterns that have already been present in the relationship for a while, things that crept in and, unfortunately, were never really spoken about, or at least not enough. Now that one of the two has cheated, has confessed this reluctantly, or the infidelity has come to light some other way, everything cracks open. And that’s actually a very good thing!
Here lie your chances
It’s admittedly asking quite a lot of “the other” party to listen empathetically to what the unfaithful partner was missing, while at certain moments they themselves explode with anger, frustration, and grief. There definitely needs to be enough room to express those feelings. Because a partner’s infidelity really does hurt enormously! Nobody denies that. At the same time, I also try to get my clients to look at the underlying causes — why the step toward cheating was apparently taken so easily.
Let love work for you
Whoever wants to move forward together, or at least wants to give it a fair chance, now at least knows exactly what needs to be worked on to get a good relationship again — a relationship with trust, respect, connection, and who knows, more fun between the sheets, if that was the issue.
Couples often wait a few weeks, or sometimes even months, before taking the step toward relationship therapy. At first they find it difficult to talk about this with each other, let alone with a third party. Sometimes they also think the problem is more or less behind them, because they’ve discussed it a few times or can now suddenly talk about it well together. But then, after a while, it turns out there’s a whole layer of emotions underneath that they don’t know how to deal with.
People often think it takes months or even years of therapy to grow close to each other again, as if that road back is long and almost impassable, and trust in the other person can never be regained. Nothing could be further from the truth. With the right insights and steps, you let love work for you. And you give your relationship more connection than ever before. This process goes faster than you think.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.