"I Don't Feel Appreciated in My Relationship"
Relationships can be wonderful, but they can also feel like a minefield about to explode. Often, though, a great deal of build-up precedes an explosion. Recognizing these signals and responding to them in time can prevent the situation from getting worse. But how do you do that when you feel like you barely matter in your relationship? How do you grow closer when you don’t feel appreciated?
Having to swallow criticism
A man in his late forties struggled with the same questions. He says: “We both have demanding but interesting jobs. But I don’t consider that an excuse to stop being there for the other person. If you ask me whether I feel appreciated, that has absolutely not been the case in recent years. In fact, I regularly have to swallow criticism about how I handle certain things. My wife comments on how I deal with the kids, what I could have done differently at work, that I’m not empathetic enough, and so on. Meanwhile, she never notices that I handle all the administration so she doesn’t have to worry about it, that I maintain the cars, and that I contribute just as much to the household as she does.”
At a crossroads
“Now we have full schedules and not much time together. But gradually I notice that I’m not seeking out those moments either. I’m fine with eating later after a long workday, or heading back out in the evening to exercise. Because of that I feel like we’re at a crossroads. Either it goes on like this and I feel increasingly distant from my wife, or something drastic has to change about the way she treats me. But I don’t have much confidence in that.”
Appreciation is love
The man in the passage above sketches a problem many people recognize. In a busy, full life, someone can quickly be taken for granted. Many people, however, experience this as very painful. Various studies show that receiving appreciation creates a feeling of being loved. But you might also ask yourself whether you’re too dependent on your partner for your sense of fulfillment. If you only act in order to elicit a certain reaction (which you then don’t receive), you end up far removed from both yourself and the other person. Seen this way, a feeling of being appreciated starts with yourself, and ends with being seen by the other.
Better communication
When you want to work on improving your relationship and communication, it’s important to dare to have the conversation openly and honestly. Telling your partner what’s bothering you and what you’re missing in the relationship can go in different directions. Your message can feel like an accusation the other person wants to defend against, which can quickly turn into a finger-pointing contest. If you’re not specific enough and bring up all kinds of things that aren’t relevant right now, that’s counterproductive. Try to keep it short, without judgment, and listen well to what the other person has to say. If you want to feel seen, you also have to see the other person.
Getting to work with focus
Communicating openly about your relationship and your expectations around it can be quite difficult. When you’ve been in a long relationship, certain patterns are so deeply ingrained that you can hardly recognize them anymore. All you know is that this isn’t how you pictured it, but how do you turn the tide? When the two of you can’t work it out well on your own, you can consider relationship therapy. Loveworkx offers a concrete, clear method to work in a focused way on your issues.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.