There's No Attention for My Wishes and Needs
A relationship often has many spoken and unspoken agreements. How you treat each other, which tasks each of you takes on, and what each other’s boundaries are — at a certain point you no longer feel the need to discuss these things. At least, that’s what people often think. But if you’ve been together for a long time, a lot can have changed in the meantime. Your own wishes and needs can also be subject to change. Failing to respond to that in time can create tricky misunderstandings.
Focusing on the family
A woman, in her late forties, had been with her husband for years and noticed she was getting stuck. When the children were born, she decided to quit her job and become a full-time stay-at-home mother. That was a decision she was very happy with. “Becoming a mother had always been a dream of mine. When I met my current husband after my studies, we also quickly decided to go for children. And since he has a fairly demanding job, I wanted to make time for the family and household. Maybe not everyone chooses that, but I really wanted it this way.”
An invisible feeling
For years this worked to her satisfaction. “With young children, they’re simply intense years. But now they’re older, all in secondary school, and I notice that I now also have a need to develop myself. It seems interesting to me to do a coaching course, and I’d like to talk to my husband about that. I’ve tried to bring it up a few times over the years, but he brushed it off, as far as I could tell. His reasoning was that I didn’t need to work anyway… But because of that I feel like my husband doesn’t really hear me. Actually, I’ve felt invisible lately. I’m more than a mother, more than the woman who takes care of groceries, food, and a clean house. But my husband doesn’t seem to see it.”
Dissatisfied with the situation
Still, it’s often difficult to raise the fact that you’re dissatisfied with the situation you’re in. You’re afraid of offending the other person, pushing them away, or causing conflict. In some cases, people seek their salvation elsewhere. After all, if your needs can’t be met at home, it’s understandable that you try to fulfil them in some other way or somewhere else. Problems like infidelity can then be lurking. And that’s a shame, since a lack of communication and mutual understanding can, of course, perfectly well be resolved.
Interest in the other person
In a relationship, attention and time for the other person’s inner world are very important. Even if you think you know each other through and through, there can be things about the other person you don’t yet know (or that have newly arisen). Having an eye and showing interest for these possible new wishes and needs also makes a relationship more exciting — there’s still something to discover, even though you thought you had your partner all figured out. But you can also take the lead here yourself, when you’re the one who feels like things aren’t going well in your relationship anymore.
Love is still there
Often the love is actually still there, but there’s a lack of time and knowledge to share that love with each other. At Loveworkx you can take the time to discover how to gather that knowledge. The same goes for the woman in this story. “At a certain point I had no idea what I was actually still sharing with my husband. We lived in the same house, but beyond that my inner world was completely unknown to him. I chose to tell him my story through relationship therapy. That opened new doors for us. We’re, in a sense, getting to know each other again. It’s difficult, exciting, fun, and strange — I’m looking forward to our future together again.”
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.