Like Brother and Sister
You share the care of the children, enjoy outings together, both have fun on holidays and evenings with family and friends, and support each other through thick and thin.
In short, in many ways your relationship has succeeded. Yet something is nagging at you… because between the sheets things have been pretty cold lately. When did you actually last have sex? Honestly, you can’t even remember.
Sex on the back burner
There’s an old Chinese wisdom about sex that goes: during the first year of your marriage, put a bean in a jar every time you have sex. In the years that follow, take a bean out of the jar every time you have sex. The jar would never run empty.
There’s a kernel of truth in this. At the start of a relationship you often can’t keep your hands off each other. You feel attracted to one another and sex seems to happen automatically. There’s nothing complicated about it.
Once the relationship goes on longer and more responsibilities come into play — think of caring for young children — the sex life of many couples ends up on the back burner. What I hear back in my practice is that many couples, both the man and the woman, don’t mind that for a while. They both experience this period of broken nights as tough and are glad when they’re finally in bed in the evening. This is often seen as a phase: focus on caregiving for now, the sex life will pick back up later…
A pattern has formed
Unfortunately, after such a period without sex, the thread doesn’t just pick back up by itself. Not even once the children are older and there’s more time and energy for each other. That doesn’t mean the sex isn’t missed.
You probably know the stories: he wants sex, but her head isn’t in it. Of course it can just as easily be the other way around — she seeks closeness but gets no response from him, leaving her feeling rejected or wondering if he still finds her attractive. How do you break this pattern again?
Openness about your sex life
According to a survey from Psychologie Magazine (2018), 77% of women answered the question “What do you do during a period of little sex?” by saying they would talk about it with their partner. 68% of men feel the same way. I think being open about your need for intimacy, touch, and sex is a first, courageous step.
What I also see is that many women do want to have sex again, but at a calm pace. They’ve been “switched off” for a long time — sometimes even years — and find it hard to go all the way right away or give themselves fully. Pretty logical, really. In a car you don’t suddenly shift from first gear to fifth gear either — that’s bad for your gearbox. It’s no different in a relationship. Imagine what happens if you have to partly shut yourself down or go beyond your limits the moment you “give in” to your partner. You don’t want that, and it often results in you, as a woman, putting up the wall even more. You end up being less available and are experienced by the other as distant.
Open yourself up to intimacy
I sometimes hear women say they literally freeze under their partner’s touch. In many cases that’s because the touch is too direct. Many a woman is also afraid of what’s coming next. What if she responds to that hug or kiss? Will her partner immediately read that as the starting signal for a wild night? In that case, she’d rather turn away than respond to his advances.
What it’s about, in my view, is that as a couple you open yourselves back up to intimacy and build this up slowly. Make time for each other, give each other massages, touch each other without it having to lead to sex. There’s no agenda! I even know couples where it started with simply placing a hand on each other’s body.
You’re always allowed to say “no”!
Know that you or your partner are always allowed to say “no” if it’s going too fast, and agree on this together. Try not to see or feel that “no” — however hard that sometimes is — as a rejection. You’re on your way to finding a path back to an enjoyable sex life. Give it time, and keep the picture of where you want to work towards together in view. Doing nothing and simply giving it time usually leads to a large distance that eventually can no longer be bridged.
Shouldn’t sex just come naturally?
No, it doesn’t have to. A desire for sex doesn’t just come out of nowhere. It really takes attention, time, and energy — the willingness to invest in each other. This doesn’t mean, by the way, that your sex life can never become playful, exciting, or uncomplicated again. You won’t be the first couple whose pilot light turns back into a roaring fire. And another person doesn’t need to be involved in that either — you can also reignite yourself. I wrote a blog about this for men, ‘The Modern Man and His Libido’. I also discussed this with tao trainer Reinoud Eleveld during the webinar on infidelity and sexuality.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She regularly works with expats and wrote the e-book ‘Cheating. 5 Steps to Recover from Infidelity.’ She works from her practices in Huizen, Almere Poort, and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.