What Actually Is Intimacy, and How Can You Work on It?
In a romantic relationship, a certain degree of intimacy is generally expected. But what that exactly involves can differ enormously from person to person. When one or both partners aren’t satisfied with the level of intimacy in the relationship, it can lead to problems. A feeling of distance, infidelity, or a breakup can be the result. But what actually is intimacy, and how can you make sure you and your partner experience enough of it? Relationship therapy can help.
What is intimacy?
The word “intimacy” has its origin in Latin. Although we quickly think of sex and eroticism when it comes to intimacy, the Latin “intimum” roughly means “innermost core.” That means intimacy is really much more about opening up and daring to show your inner emotional world in the broadest sense. You could categorize intimacy into three different forms: affection, sexuality, and (emotional) vulnerability.
Attention for each other
Affection is a form of intimacy that has a lot to do with attention. By showing affection, you strengthen the bond between you and your partner. The other person feels seen and valued. At the start of a relationship, the small signs of affection often come naturally: walking hand in hand, compliments, and touch. In the hecticness of daily life, this can sometimes be seen as unimportant. After all, things need to get arranged, groceries need to get done, tasks need to get finished…
Sexuality and intimacy
Sex and intimacy go hand in hand. In an intimate, romantic relationship, people generally like having sex with each other. And yet many couples experience friction around this. For instance, desire for sex can decline over the years, or the sex drive between the two partners can differ. How much and how often you’re in the mood for sex depends on various factors. Some people respond more quickly to sexual stimuli than others. Context is often important too. Going away for a weekend together to a romantic hotel, versus your bedroom with the kids nearby, also determines how much room you feel to make love to each other. For many men, sex is a way to release tension and connect. Many women first need relaxation and connection before they can enjoy sex.
Emotional vulnerability
Differences in desires around sex (but also other important matters!) can lead to unclarity and even conflict when they’re not talked about. It’s not for nothing that emotional vulnerability is an important condition for intimacy. Sharing what’s going on inside you brings you closer together as a couple. It can be scary to disagree, but in a healthy relationship, disagreements can actually strengthen the feeling of intimacy. Many women want to connect through talking, and I notice that men find conversations difficult and prefer to avoid them. That has to do with the fact that men often find it hard to see their partner sad, and as a result come up with solutions. They often don’t know how to deal with all this intensity.
Dealing with vulnerability
After such an in-depth conversation, they’re often thrown off for days. And if you’re then both left disillusioned, because you don’t know how to deal with the vulnerability, it quickly gets avoided, and “difficult conversations” get dodged. What also happens is that the person who doesn’t feel heard and understood will keep bringing it up. Until their partner starts thinking “here we go again.” During a therapy session you discover how to talk to each other about painful things from the past in such a way that they can stay in the past, instead of constantly having to be dredged back up. That deepens and strengthens a relationship.
Working on your relationship
A relationship is alive and isn’t static. Things can happen that put a dent in the intimacy anyway, and reasons why you and your partner might struggle to connect for a while. Relationship therapy can help you look at the relationship again with fresh eyes. That’s why we work with concrete exercises to take steps toward new, healthier patterns. Our vision: your relationship isn’t a problem that needs to be solved. Growing apart is a process — finding each other again is too.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.