Sex Drive Does Not Come
We have become buddies and we miss the intimacy and sex in our relationship. More and more couples are separating around us. Fortunately, we do not have a fight, but I am afraid that if we do not take action, it will be our turn. We go into relationship therapy.
At the beginning of our relationship I often felt like having sex. We were relaxed together, did fun things and of course we didn’t have children yet. Now that I think about it, our intimacy has mainly diminished after we have had children. For me it is not really a problem, although I sometimes think back to that nice start time.
What will relationship therapy bring us?
In the car on the way to relationship therapist Jacqueline Evers we talk about our expectations of the therapy. We both find it exciting. I notice that I am curious about the questions she will ask and how confrontational that will be. We are hardly talking about it together, so it will be crazy to say things to her that I have never said out loud to my husband. And I am also curious what he will come up with. Maybe he fantasizes about other women or has secretly had an affair. It probably won’t, but still.
We want each other back as a partner
The conversation with Jacqueline is very relaxed and we quickly feel at ease with her. We discuss what we want to achieve with the therapy. We have become buddies and are very good at arranging things for the family. We lost sight of each other as a partner.
It turns out that living together, lack of intimacy and cheating are the top 3 topics for which people engage in couples therapy. And also that couples wait an average of 6 years before they go looking for help. Patterns arise in the relationship when it comes to communication but also in the field of sex and intimacy. After so many years together you are so attuned to each other that the tension you need to get stimulated and to feel like sex disappears more and more.
Vision of intimacy and sex
Jacqueline explains the Loveworkx method and that immediately gives a clear picture of what we are going to talk about. The method starts with our relationship vision and we switch to the area of passion and discuss our vision of intimacy and sex.
It’s strange that we don’t think about that ourselves. I work as a marketing manager for a large company and we work from our vision, mission and core values. I never thought we could do the same with our relationship. It is insightful and innovative. She takes us back to the early days of our relationship and we reminisce. This puts us in a relaxed and light-hearted mood.
Difference in need
Our question is about intimacy and sex, which is why we zoom in on what we find important in it. My husband is clearly more into sex than I am. For him it is literally momentary and relaxed and he is free from all his thoughts. It’s actually nice to hear how he feels about it.
I am tired after a busy working day or work week. My work, groceries, cooking food, paying attention to the children cost me a lot of energy.
Often in the evening I also have to list some things for my work that I do not get around during the day. I notice that he wants sex, but my head is often not there. I especially need time for myself or just going to bed on time.
Can you make sense of sex?
Sexual arousal or the difference between partners is the biggest problem in partner relationships in the field of sexuality, says Jacqueline. An important factor is having fun in sex. There are several stages in sexual response that start with an open position and can end with an orgasm, but you don’t have to. You can start at any stage and then end up in the recovery stage.
Sex drive does not come. We often think we feel like it or not. A man sees and feels his excitement and can quickly translate lust into sex. Women are not always aware of what they are feeling or do not recognize it when they get excited during the day.
You don’t have to feel like having sex. What is important is that you are open to intimacy. If you think ‘I don’t want this’ at the first touch, you keep yourself closed. Intimacy starts with an open attitude. It is not that you are open to have sex, but that you are open to contact with your partner. After that, a number of neurobiological elements play a role that have a knock-on effect on what follows.
Sex and hormones
She tells us about the neurobiological approach. Testosterone is the most important sex hormone in both men and women. It stimulates sexual desire. Cold shower not only ensures a better immune system, but also a rise in testosterone levels.
Oxytocin helps create sexual arousal and can help men maintain their erection. Due to stress, the pressure to perform and the amount of information that excites us, there is less time for rest, relaxation and intimacy and the oxytocin system is increasingly less active. This can result in sexual dysfunction.
In addition, oxytocin is an important hormone that ensures bonding with your partner that makes you feel connected and increases intimacy. Receiving mental support, empathy, compassion and physical contact causes the brain to deliver a low dose of oxytocin.
Along with dopamine and norepinephrine, oxytocin is likely to be crucial in long-term relationships. In fact, that’s what makes you feel more connected after sex. In that sense, the time you spend together after sex may be just as important to your relationship as it is before.
If you feel the need to share your intimate feelings after sex, it could be the hormones. By the way, oxytocin stays in the body for about three minutes and the effect can last for three days.
Talk about what we like
We talk about our desire and what we need to stimulate it. For me it is much more about our mutual bond. When we go out the door in the morning with hassle, it sticks with me all day. Then I really don’t feel like it at night. The atmosphere must be really good. I need it to be able to relax and not be a mother and regulator for a while but feel like a woman. Each more touching helps me a hug and a warm bath or a visit to the sauna will make me feel more connected and more can relax.
Sometimes I literally am not feeling well. Then I feel a bit overweight and that doesn’t really help me. My husband says he still finds me very attractive, okay even though I’m not 25 anymore. That gives me a nice feeling. We continue to talk about what I like. Jacqueline’s questions make me more and more aware of the important factors for me for intimacy and sex. If you find it difficult during intercourse to tell what you fine, you can literally take him by the hand and show him what you like to add Jacqueline. When asked what he likes my husband fine should equally consider . He says he is especially busy during sex to please me.
He likes to be touched more often, stroking his back, touching his buttocks. And you can do that with your nails too, he tells me. Even if you flatter yourself and touch touch me excited he says.
Romance
We also talk about romance. For me it is cozy to the fireplace, candles and a nice music. In men, that’s often when his wife does little things for him, expresses appreciation and talks lovingly, says Jacqueline. My husband agrees. He also indicates that it is important for him to have more variety and that he likes to be surprised every now and then. We are now aware that this important things and meet up there myself more to take initiative and thus to surprise the other.
Fatasia
Men often engage in sex several times a day. A sex survey conducted by Playboy magazine revealed that 63% of men fantasize about a threesome. Men also often fantasize about two women having sex. Fantasizing stimulates the excitement. We talk about it in a playful way and I notice that we are happy to leave the house together.