Jealousy in the Relationship
What is jealousy?
Jealousy is a feeling everyone experiences at some point. It’s often characterized by a sharp pain. Being jealous can affect you deeply. It’s not just about the feeling of jealousy — you recognize it especially in the behavior that stems from it. In my relationship therapy practice, I see many couples dealing with infidelity in their relationship. The partner then becomes very insecure and suspicious about it, and initially starts checking what their partner is doing. That’s often how infidelity comes to light — because there’s a feeling that something is off. Some people then want access to their partner’s phone, so they can be “certain” the infidelity isn’t continuing.
Why do we get jealous?
Jealousy can be directed at your partner, but also at family, friends, or colleagues. If someone has a bigger house or a nicer car. That can then also be a reason not to do certain things, like buying a Porsche, because your colleagues would then talk negatively about it. You can also become jealous if you don’t have an intimate relationship with your partner and he then gives attention to other women instead.
How does jealousy express itself?
As mentioned, jealousy is vicious, like being stung by a scorpion. And not only do you sting the other person — you sting yourself at the same time. Jealous behavior can be possessive, controlling, or even punishing. It can get so bad that the other person ends up walking on eggshells and completely erases themselves. And the jealous person often finds themselves terrible too.
What can you do if you feel jealous in your relationship?
If you’re jealous, you have a lack of trust, and sometimes also a lack of self-confidence. Control is then often seen as the solution, while it actually only makes the problem bigger. If you demand that your partner share their location with you, the relationship quickly starts to feel suffocating.
It’s important to stop holding your partner responsible for your own feelings, even if you’re convinced that your partner caused the problem in this case. Of course, it’s also important to set your boundaries and not simply allow everything, and to set clear limits. Instead of putting control measures in place, it’s better to talk to each other about your feelings.
People often try to push their feelings away and seek reassurance from their partner. Whereas it’s better to let your feeling be there, take it seriously, and ask yourself what your need is. Discuss what you want to be different. And in the case that you’re jealous of, say, your brother’s big house or nice car, you can have a conversation with yourself and notice that there’s apparently a desire there that you want to fulfill.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 16 years, she has helped more than 1,350 people through individual and relationship therapy. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She regularly works with expats and wrote the e-book ‘Cheating. 5 Steps to Recover from Infidelity.’ She works from her practices in Huizen, Almere Poort, and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.