A Fantastic Relationship, But Too Little Intimacy. Where Does It Go Wrong?
Sound familiar? You’re happy with your partner, experience companionship, and have already been through a lot together. If you were asked, you’d confirm that you’re happy with your partner. And yet you don’t tell your friends everything. From the outside it all looks nice and good, but behind the scenes it doesn’t feel that way at all. You haven’t had intimacy for a long time. No touch, no cuddles. How is it that you can no longer be intimate with the person you’ve shared your life with for so long? Where does it go wrong? A question that leads to complicated feelings for many people.
Initial attraction
A man in his mid-forties told his story. “When I met my wife, I was very impressed by her. She was attractive, of course, but there was much more that appealed to me about her. She’s good with people, very natural in large groups — something that’s really not my strong suit. She’s intelligent and can connect with anyone. At the party where we both were, she was a shining centerpiece. Something that attracted me to her enormously. We got talking and it clicked. A few years later we got married.”
No more attention
In that early period there’s still everything to discover, and that brings tension and interesting conversations along with it. “But that changed over time. We have three sons who demand quite a bit of attention and energy. On top of that, I have a fairly demanding job. When the boys are finally in bed and we have some time for ourselves, we’re often so tired that we’d rather flop on the couch and turn on Netflix. That’s nice enough, of course, but it doesn’t lead to real conversations with, or attention for, each other. Let alone having sex.”
So little sex
“What worries me is that the less sex we have, the less my wife seems to feel the need to even try,” the man continued. “I’m afraid that we’re drifting further and further apart this way. I find that upsetting, because I do have that need and I still find her a beautiful woman. Her lack of interest and the missing spark between the sheets has already caused so much frustration. I feel like I’m failing, and I’m afraid one of us will eventually look elsewhere.”
No approach at all
Many couples struggle to combine family life with an erotic relationship. That’s not so strange. The hecticness of daily life with work and caring for the children costs a lot of energy. But it’s also often complicated to keep seeing your partner as erotic and sensual when that person is, above all, also your “buddy.” The unfortunate thing is that, due to feelings of guilt and shame or feelings of insecurity, the lack of intimacy often remains undiscussed. And so many couples go from bad to worse: no approach is made at all anymore, out of fear of being confronted with rejection.
Steps toward more sex in your relationship
Through relationship therapy, the topics that were previously often swept under the rug can become discussable. An open conversation is often the first step toward a better sex life and more intimacy. It can be difficult or nerve-wracking to make yourself vulnerable to the other person, but this kind of risk-taking is what makes a relationship exciting, deep, and builds a bridge to the other person. The relationship therapist creates a safe but also stimulating environment for having these conversations, and also gives practical exercises you can do together at home to improve your sexual relationship. Do you feel like something’s missing in your relationship? Take the relationship test and make an appointment.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 16 years, she has helped more than 1,350 people through individual and relationship therapy. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She regularly works with expats and wrote the e-book ‘Cheating. 5 Steps to Recover from Infidelity.’ She works from her practices in Huizen, Almere Poort, and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.