Suddenly I Realized: I Give More Than I Receive
“Giving is better than receiving” is, for many people, a nice motto. But it’s a coin with two sides. Because if you structurally give more than you get back in a relationship, an imbalance can arise. And that can lead to problems. There was, for example, a forty-year-old woman in my practice who had always loved taking care of her partner. Until the moment she herself burned out. “And then things stopped going so well between us. I felt frustrated and tired, but he didn’t seem to understand that.”
A lot of friction
The woman says the turning point came when she lost her job. “Suddenly a huge amount changed in my life. I noticed I had put so much energy into my work, while that now turned out to have been for nothing. Because of that, it felt like I was ‘running empty.’ I was completely exhausted. I badly wanted loving attention from my husband, for him to realize that it was now me who needed to lean on him, instead of the other way around. But he was distant and didn’t understand why I had suddenly changed so much. That caused a lot of friction.”
Finally admitting it
To prevent the relationship from falling apart, the woman decided to go into therapy. Alone, because that felt better to her. “I felt that all kinds of things were going on inside me, while my husband just kept doing what he’d always done. That’s why I wanted more insight into myself. My husband fully supported me in that, fortunately. But I did find it nerve-wracking.” During the first appointment the woman was emotional. “Finally I could admit that things couldn’t go on this way. That alone was an enormous relief.”
“Failing” is human
During the sessions, the woman got to know herself better. “We looked at exactly what had happened. Where did the shift begin, from a cheerful, energetic woman to the sad person I now was? Gradually I realized I had a feeling of having failed. I couldn’t keep my job, and I could no longer be the fun woman for my husband that I wanted to be. And I was angry about that. It was a big insight when I realized that I also don’t expect my husband to always be happy, strong, and confident. So why would I demand that of myself? A bit of ‘failing’ is human.”
Eyes opened
The woman was so used to taking care of the people around her that she quickly forgot that she, too, sometimes needed support. “On top of that, my husband wasn’t used to helping me, because I’d always had everything under control myself. So now that, for the first time, I was really struggling, he didn’t quite know what to do with that. During the therapy I got to work on myself, but through that, also on my relationship.”
A plan of action
The woman discovered that better communication about her needs and feelings was fundamentally important in the relationship with her husband. “From that point on, I noticed a lot of changes. Now my husband and I laugh a lot more, we joke about how clumsily he sometimes handles things, and about how I always take on too much. It’s such a relief to just be able to talk about that openly and with humor. It’s brought us a lot closer together.”
Loveworkx
When you know yourself better, that can also strengthen your relationship with your partner. When you and your partner both clearly know what you need and desire from each other, it’s easier to meet those needs. That way you can break out of patterns that have developed and that no longer really suit you or your partner. Asking for help can be nerve-wracking. But by working together and being open, a richer foundation of trust can grow. I’m happy to help you with that, at Loveworkx.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.