Let's Talk About Sex
It seems as though there’s no longer any taboo around sex and intimacy. Many a magazine or talk show covers it, and the internet is full of it. In my practice, however, I encounter the opposite: clients often find it difficult to talk about sex. Especially the emotions that come with a lack of sex or intimacy are barely expressed. Couples turn away from each other. He, for example, no longer wants to feel rejected; she quickly signals that she’s not in the mood for his touch, because she doesn’t want to disappoint him or is afraid he’ll immediately want much more. She fends him off. Until, at a certain point, he no longer dares to try, gives up, and suffers in silence.
Why do so many people find it uncomfortable to talk about sex?
You’re literally exposing yourself, and that makes you feel vulnerable. I talk to so many people who aren’t satisfied with their sex life and who will have to talk about it if anything is going to change. Sometimes that breakthrough comes too late — for example, when one of the two no longer believes in it and wants a divorce, or discovers their partner is cheating.
Passion — and, linked to it, sex and intimacy — is a fixed part of the Loveworkx method I’ve developed. As a therapist, I use it to guide people through the process of actually talking about this topic. This turns out to be an enormous relief for a lot of people, mostly men. Where men generally have less appetite for in-depth conversations — think: “here we go again, we’ve already talked about this” — they’re still glad this topic is finally being made discussable. When they subsequently notice that intimacy with their partner grows, creating more curiosity and room for sex again, I hear them report that back with a lot of tenderness. Women, too, are glad they finally get tools to talk about this vulnerable topic. They often have a much greater need for intimacy and touch before they can even surrender to sex at all. Many women also struggle with feelings of guilt. They know their partner wants sex more often, which in turn causes them to tense up.
What does rejection do to self-confidence?
Men become quite frustrated when their wife never wants to. I see them literally weighed down by it. The fear of rejection paralyzes them. Men feel it strikes at their masculinity, at their identity. Only once they’re in therapy can they find words for what’s playing out deep inside. Good sex allows them to reclaim their place in the relationship. I think women don’t always realize how much a lack of sex undermines their partner’s self-confidence.
Women are generally more outward-focused than men. She worries about the children, the house, and her circle of friends. Even in bed, her mind keeps spinning. Various parts of her inner world play a role in this. There’s a part that wants to please, a part that genuinely longs for passionate sex, but there’s also a part that wants to stay in control of that outside world, making it hard for her to relax. In my book I’ve included numerous relaxation exercises specifically for women. Being able to relax is essential for enjoyable sex. And caressing and touching certainly don’t always have to lead to sex. As a woman, you can experiment with getting aroused and still saying no afterward. As a couple, you can make agreements about this!
Sex is about being comfortable with yourself
Sex is about feeling good about yourself. When I ask women to describe themselves, I notice that they sometimes don’t see themselves as a whole, but split into attractive and less attractive body parts. They’re so critical of themselves, of their bodies, that they find it hard to make love. Because of that insecurity, a certain way of making love has developed early on in the relationship — among other things, by not indicating during sex what they themselves actually enjoy. As a result, the experience of sex is of course not optimal, causing desire to fade. Her husband would probably be quite willing to take more time for her, to massage her, for example, or delay intercourse, if only he knew what was going on in her head, what she’s missing, and how she can enjoy sex.
About good sex, orgasms, and making love
Some women have been “switched off” for so long that they no longer even know what they actually enjoy. Some have even never had an orgasm, keep that to themselves, and think it’s just not in the cards for them. This has everything to do with being familiar with your own body. As a woman you might think your partner needs to stoke your inner fire, but ultimately you can do this yourself. So you don’t need to outsource your sexuality to someone else. It also helps to take the focus off orgasm-as-the-goal. No longer working toward the climax, for either of you.
Sexual energy is life energy, and it’s wonderful when you start discovering how to switch this on within yourself. It’s also about self-love and self-pleasure. You can achieve this by, among other things, following the Valley Orgasm* training. In it, you first learn to lovingly reconnect with your body, and can then grow toward a valley orgasm. This means you can let the sexual energy you generate flow through your body, so that it charges you up, and the orgasm remains active in your body for anywhere from five to twenty minutes. The feeling and its duration are different for everyone, but it can feel like a wave-like energy in your body that increases and decreases in intensity. You train this using an online program and audio files, safely in your own bedroom with the door locked. *https://vallei.online/
For men there’s the online program Multi-Orgasmic Man**, about sexual transformation. Learning techniques that make you multi-orgasmic is one of the paths. You learn techniques that convert your sexual energy into personal fuel, by separating orgasm and ejaculation. By releasing sexual energy and continuously letting it flow, you’ll start to feel more energetic and vital. That aspect of sex is still underexposed. Collectively, we’ve been given a one-sided, almost pornographic image of sex, but actually sexual energy is our life energy, and fortunately you can generate it yourself and put it to work for you. **https://meervoudige-man.nl
We often think men get aroused quickly
It’s often claimed that men get aroused quickly — all it takes is seeing an attractive woman at the sauna or the gym… What many women don’t realize is that there’s also something vulnerable hidden here. We just assume men can always have sex and get an erection right away. Which, of course, isn’t the case. A man, too, can be “not ready,” both mentally and physically. Such a block can then keep growing. Often an experience of being belittled or rejected lies at the root of it. This can, for example, have arisen in a previous relationship, but also earlier in life. As a therapist, I help process the painful experience(s) from the past and build self-confidence, so that the tide turns through relaxation and positive experiences.
This is how you rediscover that connection
What I want to leave people with is that enjoyable sex is about connection. Women often connect by talking. What they’re usually less good at is making their desires known. Men are more often physical and talk less. Making love together is a way of communicating in which you connect with each other on a deeper level. “Making love,” as the English put it so beautifully, is something different from having sex to reach an orgasm as quickly as possible.
What’s the effect of infidelity on sex in the relationship?
How can you be intimate with each other again after infidelity? You end up on an emotional rollercoaster when your partner cheats. When you grow closer again and start seeking each other out physically again, that’s quite difficult at first. Images of your partner having sex with that other person flash through your mind. Most people talk about their affair reluctantly, which lets their partner’s imagination run wild. It takes courage to give your partner a second chance after they’ve committed infidelity. And that means you have to dare to make yourself vulnerable again if you want to trust your partner once more. That process happens in fits and starts. Sometimes everything seems to be going well, until another huge outburst of accusations comes along. Many couples struggle with this and come to me for therapy, simply because they don’t know how they’ll ever be able to repair that breach of trust. Often it becomes clear in our conversations why he or she cheated, once we look at the underlying problem. Very often, a lack of intimacy, attention, and connection lies at the root of it.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.