Consequences of Past Emotional Neglect in Your Current Relationship
You experience emotions every day, all day long. But what if you’re unable to give certain emotions a place? If you’ve always learned to ignore your feelings? In such a situation, your emotions and how you deal with them can work against you. That can affect many aspects of your life, including your relationship(s).
Bottling up feelings
Being unable to handle emotions well, or being unable to give your emotions a place, can be the result of emotional neglect during your childhood or in previous relationships. Your parents or a former partner didn’t attune to your emotions. Even after years, this can have enormous consequences for your current relationships. People who were emotionally neglected can be afraid of rejection and, as a result, keep bottling up feelings endlessly. That causes insecurity, a lack of communication, and a low self-image.
Difficulty with relationships
Someone who has been emotionally neglected can also be inclined to cling to unhealthy relationships, out of fear of being abandoned and left alone. What also plays a role here is that you can find it difficult to set boundaries when you’ve never learned to do so in the past. It can also be that you specifically don’t want to be dependent on other people at all. “Help? No, I can handle this myself” or “I don’t want to bother anyone else with this” are thoughts that often flash through your mind. The idea that you have to make yourself vulnerable to others can be almost unbearable, because you’ve completely unlearned how to do that.
Not speaking up
Despite all the emotions you feel and thoughts you have, it can still be hard to find the words to talk about it. Your partner may be completely unaware of what’s going on inside you. This can result in loneliness and an empty feeling. This can even make you start doubting your relationship. But when you don’t speak up, the other person can start to feel weighed down too. Your partner knows something is bothering you but doesn’t know what it is, which can be frustrating.
Breaking the vicious cycle
It can also feel frustrating for you that your partner doesn’t understand or realize that something’s bothering you. This can lead to jealousy, because you don’t dare express your insecurities. This in turn makes you more irritable, your partner still doesn’t know why, and so you end up in a vicious cycle. Before disagreements escalate to the point where you can no longer work things out, it’s time to break this vicious cycle. To do that, it’s important to find a way to get the words out.
Daring to talk
Only if you dare to talk about your emotions can others help you deal with emotions better. Often that doesn’t work alone, especially when another person is also involved. Your partner naturally wants the best for you, but it can be complicated to communicate clearly about both your needs. In that case, it can be worthwhile to choose relationship therapy. Here you learn to speak up, to determine and dare to set your boundaries, and to communicate better about what you want and need in a relationship.
Speak up — it works
Are you dealing with certain unprocessed feelings, or have you experienced emotional neglect? If you want to talk about it, or want to learn to talk about it, get in touch. I’d be glad to help you learn to express your feelings. This way you can communicate better with your partner, which will strengthen both yourself and your relationship.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 16 years, she has helped more than 1,350 people through individual and relationship therapy. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She regularly works with expats and wrote the e-book ‘Cheating. 5 Steps to Recover from Infidelity.’ She works from her practices in Huizen, Almere Poort, and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.