Infidelity at Work
Websites like Second Love make it very easy to cheat, it’s sometimes claimed. Same with social media and all the dating apps where you’re reasonably anonymous and can pass yourself off as single just fine. And yet it turns out many people do it much closer to home, on very familiar territory. 15 percent of people say they’ve had sex with a colleague at some point, even when one of the two (or both) was in a relationship. That doesn’t surprise me at all! Does it surprise you?
It’s less about lust and more about connection
It’s very often assumed that infidelity is about lust, and that people are only after the sex. Of course, for some people that will indeed be the case, but for most people I speak with in my practice, infidelity really starts with attention from someone else, often from a fairly unexpected direction. From a colleague they’ve known for years, for example. A good conversation by the coffee machine, or a relaxed moment during a drink after work, can suddenly make you realize that this particular man or woman is really quite lovely. Why hadn’t you noticed that before? As the weeks, or sometimes even months, go by, you keep developing more feelings for that person. You exchange furtive glances during meetings, text each other in the evening. Suddenly you’re happy it’s Monday and you finally get to go back to the office!
Colleagues share a lot
What stands out is that people bond more quickly during tough times or around a shared goal. And that’s exactly what happens in the workplace! Think of a big reorganization or a round of layoffs where emotions run high and you’re all in the same boat. You see the same thing happen during a major project you’re trying to bring to a successful conclusion together. That sense of togetherness can easily give rise to warm feelings. What’s more, you understand each other — a word is enough. There’s a good chance that particular colleague sometimes makes you feel more understood than your own husband or wife, partly because you spend so much time together.
It goes wrong at the Christmas dinner
How far things go between colleagues has everything to do with the home front. Someone who experiences enough attention, connection, and intimacy there will be less quick to commit infidelity than someone who’s been lacking that for a while and is open to it. You sometimes hear that things go completely wrong after a Christmas dinner or a construction-site barbecue, partly because alcohol is involved. I believe this usually doesn’t happen “suddenly.” Often a certain tension has already been hanging in the air for a while. And whether it stays a one-time slip-up or becomes the start of a long-term affair, infidelity is infidelity.
It’s difficult to resist temptation
On the other hand, it also has to do with controlling your own feelings of desire. There’s a split second where, in your head, you know “now I have to say no, because otherwise…” If you can’t listen to that moment, it goes “wrong.” This calls for being very conscious of the different sides within yourself. There’s a side that wants to let go completely and surrender to the moment. That wants to enjoy the temptation and let itself be swept along by the feelings and the adrenaline. On the other hand, there’s the gatekeeper, the cautious part. That part of you knows “I shouldn’t do this, because I’ll regret it enormously.” The question is which part is in charge.
When the rosy glow lifts
Everyone will agree it’s not very wise to start something with a colleague, and yet it happens. Apparently our rational mind doesn’t always call the shots, and the craving for intimacy, connection, and attention is so great that we can’t think clearly and put our marriage at stake for it. On top of that, add the fact that having something with a colleague is exciting. You’re curious about his or her body, about what sex with someone else is like, and you long for constant contact with that person. What’s more, you share a little secret that nobody else knows about. That makes the bond even closer.
Everything seems wonderful until the rosy glow starts to lift a little. Maybe one of the two feels guilty and decides to honestly confess at home after all, or your fling gets discovered some other way. That last scenario is often the case, even if the affair took place abroad and you never expected your partner to find out. It usually comes out anyway. What’s the effect of your actions?
Mistrust rears its head
I guide couples where one of the two has been unfaithful to the other. Infidelity with a colleague is always a tough one. Because even if the person who was betrayed genuinely wants to give their husband or wife another chance, it remains difficult not to slip into mistrust the moment your partner calls to say they have to work late or go on a business trip. Whether you want to or not, the movie of everything that could be happening starts playing at full speed.
How do you hold on to trust?
Rationally, you want nothing more than to give your partner your trust again and start with a clean slate, but in your heart and body it feels different. How can you both anticipate this? This calls for letting your emotions be there, without letting your emotions run away with you. That last part especially often proves difficult. Give yourself and each other time, but above all, give room to your emotions too. They’re allowed to be there. Step 3 of my book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’ is about repairing the damage of infidelity. It contains all kinds of practical exercises aimed at dealing with the pain of infidelity. You can do these exercises alone or together.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.