Can You Move Forward Together After Infidelity?
According to Durex’s annual survey, 31 percent of people cheat. What exactly that cheating involves — a long-term affair, a one-time slip with a colleague, or (online) sharing your sexual fantasies with someone other than your partner — the survey doesn’t say. What is a fact is that infidelity, and it coming to light, hits many couples enormously hard.
Not only does the relationship come under pressure, the betrayed partner’s self-confidence also takes a serious blow, with all the consequences that entails. No wonder most people experience infidelity as a traumatic event.
When it happens to you, and the betrayal truly cuts to your soul, and your life and everything you believed in subsequently collapses like a house of cards — is there still a way back to the pleasant, respectful, and safe relationship you thought you had? And if so… how?
Why do we cheat?
“There’s no single, clear-cut answer to this question,” says Jacqueline Evers, relationship therapist and author of the book Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps. “It’s tempting to think something essential is missing in the current relationship. It’s also often the case that one of the two — or both — is, consciously or not, dissatisfied with the sex life, the quality of attention for each other, or the level of connection. Especially once this has been going on for a while, people become more susceptible to the temptation of someone who does answer that longing — even if only temporarily. Apparently such needs are strong enough that we put a pleasant family life or a years-long relationship at stake for them. What I also come across in my practice is that the initial cause doesn’t only lie in the dynamic of the existing relationship, but especially in the emotional world of the person who makes, or has made, the misstep. You’re not feeling comfortable in your own skin, for example, you feel misunderstood. The moment someone then comes along who thinks you’re absolutely wonderful, you’re more quickly swayed than when you feel good and get enough attention from your partner.”
This view is backed up by an American study that used data from 8 million men who registered on the website of Ashley Madison, a global website that facilitates infidelity under the motto “Life is short. Have an affair.” It shows that 18 percent of men are more inclined to cheat when their age ends in a nine. A similar pattern was visible among women. Evers: “What these figures show is that people become more restless as they approach a new decade, and start asking themselves more often: is this it? Sometimes the fear of getting older also plays a role here, and the man or woman in question seeks confirmation, through an affair, of how attractive he or she still is. In such a case you could say there isn’t necessarily dissatisfaction with the relationship, but rather dissatisfaction and stagnation within the person themselves. Although I do think it’s often a combination of both.”
The emotional tally
“Women cheat for exactly the same reasons as men. Although I do see that women often think through the consequences beforehand more carefully, and go into therapy to make a choice first before actually doing it. Whereas men flip a switch and seem to live in one life or the other, only coming into therapy once it becomes too much for them. They often develop physical complaints such as chest pressure and panic attacks, because they can’t make the choice between their wife and the family they love so much, and the mistress who’s a completely different addition to their life. If you look more closely at the underlying motives, everything can ultimately be traced back to a lack of attention, intimacy, and connection — three very important pillars. After all, every person is searching for that. Unfortunately, sometimes things really have to go wrong before couples dare to speak this out loud, and before the other person is genuinely listened to. Many women also keep an ‘emotional tally’ in the back of their minds: ‘And then you weren’t there for me. And at that point I already couldn’t count on you either… and during that period you left me to fend for myself.’ That leads to extra anger and resentment when their partner has cheated, and as a result the recovery process in the relationship often takes longer. If the relationship can even be recovered at all.”
Having an affair can go on for years!
Where men and women clearly do differ, by the way, is in how they deal with infidelity or an affair. As mentioned, women really do have the idea, much more quickly, that they need to talk to someone about it — think of a sister, a friend, or a therapist. Men, on the other hand, let infidelity run its course for much longer and prefer not to talk to anyone about it. Whereas for women everything seems interconnected, for men it’s easier to focus on one thing, with the rest out of view. That way, such an affair can really go on for years. The secret of an affair is stressful for everyone involved. It’s no coincidence that many people experience it coming to light as, in a way, a relief. Unfortunately, the emotional rollercoaster doesn’t end here. Now that the partner knows, it really begins, and anger, sadness, and frustration will take turns.
How could he?
Simone (36) works as an HR manager. Her husband Gijs holds a director position. Simone is certain she’ll grow old together with Gijs. She pictures herself sitting on a bench with him, gray-haired, still with that strong “us against the world” feeling. Until she finds out he’s cheating. At first he flatly denies it, but eventually it turns out he’s been having an affair for three years (!). Simone: “I felt like the ground had disappeared from under my feet. I was furious, sad, and sometimes cried for hours. How could he? Gijs let it all wash over him passively. He said he himself didn’t understand why he’d fallen for his assistant’s charms. That not-knowing-why made me even angrier. I was so deeply hurt at that point that I would have loved to kick my husband out of the house. And if someone had asked me beforehand what I’d do if my husband cheated, I would definitely have said I wouldn’t give him a second chance — but now that it’s happened to me, I think about it differently. I love Gijs, we have two beautiful children together.
After months of silent resentment and intense arguments, we went to see a relationship therapist. Gijs started talking there about his mother, whom he lost fairly suddenly to cancer three years ago. By his own account, he never properly processed this loss. He preferred to shut himself off rather than talk about it and burden me with it. Our relationship got worse and worse because of this. We no longer knew what was going on inside each other and stopped sharing our worries or grief with one another. Gijs showed a great deal of remorse and patience, and wanted nothing more than for things to be good between us again.
On bad moments I want to know every last detail about their affair and about her. On good moments I wanted nothing more than to start over, with a clean slate, and promise each other loyalty again. Infidelity really does something to your sense of self-worth. I’ve often thought: am I not good enough, that you had to look elsewhere? Am I not attractive enough, am I not good in bed? While this wasn’t about me at all, and was really much more about him.“
Let love work for you!
“I genuinely believe that, even after something as drastic as infidelity, you can find your way back to loving each other and let that love work for you again. What I encourage people to do first is to listen to each other, and to acknowledge the pain and grief in the other person. This doesn’t just apply to the betrayed partner, because, as said before, someone who cheats isn’t a conscienceless person. Know that there’s a part of him or her that feels regret. Yes, there was also a part that cheated, but there’s also a part that will do anything to make the relationship good again.
I help women see that part again and restore trust in their partner. Sometimes I hear women say they no longer know who their husband is, but a partner’s infidelity doesn’t mean your husband is no longer your husband. There isn’t a completely different person standing in front of you. If you can look at it that way, you also won’t expect the other person to wear sackcloth and ashes for the rest of their days. A certain degree of calm and inner stability is needed to see that. Your inner child sometimes just wants revenge and to inflict pain, to curse and be furious, while at the same time you feel sad, lonely, and abandoned. And yet it’s genuinely good to express your anger to your partner.
Many women struggle with this and almost literally swallow their anger. Perhaps they do that for the children, because they’re afraid of their partner’s reaction, or because they don’t want to be that kind of person. But anger has a function. Where grief often turns inward and makes you passive, anger gives you drive. If it’s not expressed, it often still surfaces later. Retroactively, women still become furious — for example, when the puzzle pieces about overtime, or company parties, or strange phone calls, start falling into place after weeks, or when they feel like they have to play the role of a happy family to the outside world, while still feeling anything but happy. This sometimes comes out with an intensity you didn’t expect. What I find important, in closing, is looking at what’s still there. Often there’s enough reason to keep going.
Many people attach a lot of importance to their partner promising to remain faithful forever from now on. That promise, in my view, doesn’t serve much purpose. After all, you never know how your life will unfold, what situations you’ll still end up in, or how you’ll feel in the future. What you can say to each other is that you’re choosing each other again now, and that you intend to do everything to improve the relationship — and that also means no longer committing infidelity.“
The longing for excitement
“In my book I’ve included various exercises to explore what your needs and desires are, and exercises in which you learn to deal with intense emotions, with the goal of restoring the connection with yourself and your partner after something as intense as infidelity, and renewing and improving your sex life. I notice in my practice that there’s a lot of demand especially for that last part. When you’ve been together for a longer time, sex often becomes predictable. Many couples say they miss sexual tension. With the help of the exercises, sex can take on a completely different dynamic in your relationship.”
Mieke (34) works as an administrative assistant and has been shy and very much in the background for years. But that’s changed. In recent months Mieke has been doing all kinds of things in the area of personal development, and she’s changing because of it. She even takes a training course in Belgium where she falls head over heels for a fellow participant. They sleep together. Once home, she decides to tell her husband Edward the truth. Mieke: “I always sacrificed myself for Edward and the children. He’s a very dominant man anyway. Our life revolved around him. He decided how we spent our time, how we spent our holidays, and so on. But I’m no longer the Mieke of before. I want to make my own choices. Edward begged me to stay with him, he was so afraid of losing me. He even wanted to quit his job or move somewhere else, if that would make me happy. After a few months of therapy, I got an increasingly clear picture of what I really wanted, and I decided to leave him. It wasn’t that I chose a life with my new lover; I chose myself.” This article appeared in Marie Claire, January 2021.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 16 years, she has helped more than 1,350 people through individual and relationship therapy. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She regularly works with expats and wrote the e-book ‘Cheating. 5 Steps to Recover from Infidelity.’ She works from her practices in Huizen, Almere Poort, and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.