Irritations in Relationships
That chaotic, steadfast, self-assured, calm, independent, boyish, artistic… You once found it so charming, even fell head over heels for it — but now those traits of your partner drive you up the wall!
Learning to live with it, or…
Marloes (31): “Kitesurfing dominates our entire weekend!”
“I’m drawn to older men. I generally find them more charming and interesting than men my own age. What I did notice in earlier relationships, though, was that those men had become a bit dull. With Lex, fortunately, that was different. He (47 at the time) was pure energy on our first date. A jovial laugh, mischievously twinkling eyes, and a really great physique on top of that. He enthusiastically told me about his big passion: kitesurfing. Ah, that explained those muscular upper arms! I could also completely picture him braving wind and water. What a rugged guy, and how wonderful that he liked me too.
Whoever is in love often sees things prettier than they are, and that certainly applied to me. I thought I’d be sitting comfortably on a beach with a book while he spent a couple of hours on the water with his kite, without realizing that kitesurfing isn’t a fair-weather sport, and wind very often comes with rain. So coming along is often not an option, and not fun at all either, since you just stand there freezing on your own. In practice, it means I’m home alone for at least one day every weekend.
Lex is truly obsessed with wind, just like his club mates. On Thursday their group chat already starts buzzing furiously about the very best day and time to go to the water that weekend. They drive across the whole country for the best spots. What bothers me most is that you can’t predict the weather, so there’s little you can plan. That way, his sport dominates our entire weekend. If we have an obligation we really can’t get out of, like a parent’s birthday or a friend’s party, and there’s a strong wind, he’s generally impossible to be around. So childish! That’s really what we argue about most. I’ve often thought that he should just go find someone who’s also completely wild about this sport, and that I’d be much better off with a man who’s satisfied with two hours at the gym a week. I’d rather have a more boring type!“
Inge (38): “I go crazy over his obsession with art”
“My husband is a documentary filmmaker. His passion is exposing injustices on film and, that way, giving people a different perspective on things. He’s filmed in, among other places, deprived neighborhoods, slums, and foreign prisons. Some productions take months, and that while he doesn’t get paid particularly well for it, certainly not measured against the number of hours he puts in. I used to find that idealism and his drive to create beautiful things very attractive. In fact, that’s what I fell for. I loved it — such a creative type heading out with camera and crew. Sometimes I even went along to one of his destinations.
I found my husband many times more appealing than a suit-and-tie type. But that was before we had two kids, an expensive rental house, and even more financial responsibilities. Now that creative, non-commercial side of him really starts to irritate me. Especially when he turns down certain jobs because, in his view, they’re not interesting enough. Sure, maybe not interesting in terms of subject matter, but interesting for our bank balance. And why does work always have to be fun? Plenty of people do it for the money. What’s wrong with that? He recently told me that a few colleagues had taken on distasteful assignments, and in his eyes had therefore caved in for the money. He was quite condescending about it. I explained to him then that it bothers me that he looks at his work that way. Because of that pickiness, we still don’t have a house of our own, and I can forget about dreams like a holiday to Canada or working one day less a week. I’m afraid he’ll never change in this regard. That makes it difficult.“
Lieneke (39): “I find it awful how predictable he is in everything!”
“After a string of bad boyfriends, flakes, and flirts, I got into a relationship with Gijs, and I felt completely at ease with him by my side. Gijs is truly a rock, exactly what I needed. I had lived on the edge of a volcano for a while. And now… now there was a regularity that I thought I could really thrive on. Not knowing this would become exactly the point of irritation and discussion. Gijs has worked as an accountant at the same firm for years. He exercises on Tuesdays and Thursdays, drinks coffee at his sister’s on Mondays, and does the weekly grocery shopping at seven o’clock on Friday evenings, always bringing back something nice to have with tea.
That routine and predictability I once loved so much has, in recent years, increasingly started to suffocate me. I notice I get restless from the fixed little life we lead together and my partner’s somewhat dull character, if I’m honest. Will I ever be surprised again? Is there still a bit of excitement or adventure, or will we grow old together in this bland way? It’s not just about those small daily things, but more about the fact that he feels absolutely no need to get more out of our life, while I do. I want to visit exotic destinations or go on a sailing trip. Go to a concert together, maybe a different house, or at least pick out a new interior together. Whatever I suggest, he says no. Isn’t life good the way it is? Our solid foundation, which used to be enough, suddenly isn’t enough for me anymore in recent years. I want to be understood and go out and have new adventures together. Does this mean I should leave my partner?“
This is what the expert says
“That traits you once fell for start to irritate you after a while — I hear that often in my work,” says Jacqueline Evers, relationship therapist and author of the book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps.’ “Sometimes, unconsciously, we’re drawn to traits of one of our parents. So a woman falls for a man who resembles her father quite a bit. Even if these traits aren’t always pleasant, they do feel safe to her, because this is what she knows. It also happens that we’re drawn to traits that we don’t think we have ourselves, or still need to develop within ourselves. You then see, for example, that someone who’s always very structured or conservative is attracted to the ‘free-spirited’ or uncomplicated way the other person approaches life.
Strangely enough, those differences that we initially find very attractive start to bother us at a certain point. Often because they clash with what we consider important, which in turn has a lot to do with your upbringing or conditioning. In Marloes’s case, you see that she’s mainly occupied with planning and coordinating, while Lex is occupied with what gives him energy or makes him happy. I see this pattern so often in my practice: women who are busy with caregiving tasks and with the people around them, and who easily set themselves aside in the process.
In that sense, Marloes might be able to learn something from how Lex chooses for himself, for example by also doing something for herself on the weekends. What I further guide couples toward is looking at the underlying problem. What’s really going on that makes you so irritated by these traits in the other person? Arguments or irritations often seem to be about small, trivial matters, but that’s not really what it’s about. It’s not the real reason for your dissatisfaction. Anyone who wants to grow in a relationship can learn to discover, within themselves, what the underlying pain or deeper longing is. What are you really disappointed about? Try going to that feeling and expressing it to your partner. This often leads to more understanding and a shift in communication. That Marloes ultimately says she’d be better off with a more boring type means she simply wants someone who shows her that he loves her. Apparently, doing fun things together and presenting themselves as a couple is her ‘translation’ of love. No wonder she now so often feels lonely or shortchanged.
In short, don’t let your pain grow so large that you’d rather end your relationship — speak up instead. Nine times out of ten, it’s about things like wanting to be number one, wanting to feel special, and feeling that the other person is truly there for you.
Another tip I’d like to give everyone is to learn to accept and appreciate your partner as they are. Because just as everyone wants to feel special, we also want the freedom to be ourselves. Feeling that your partner wants you to change isn’t pleasant and doesn’t really help in a relationship, whereas appreciation is exactly what makes someone feel loved, and from there, potentially willing to do things differently — and then not because they have to, but because they genuinely want to. Moreover, you only reinforce differences or irritations by continuing to focus on them. A boring man, for example, can also be seen as a wonderful pillar of support, someone you can build on, even in turbulent times.
Still craving more action? Go on that far trip with your sister or friend, instead of continuing to insist on doing everything together, just because that’s your ideal picture. In my practice I speak to a lot of people who keep clinging to their own position and point of view, causing them to become more and more rigid and, over time, to lose each other. Whereas by truly listening, and as a result making different choices, you come much closer together.“
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.