How Do You Move Forward When Your Partner Has Cheated?
As a relationship therapist, I see a huge number of couples struggling with the question: “How do you move forward when one of the two has cheated?” And that’s understandable. Infidelity cuts deep. Everything you believed in and trusted collapses like a house of cards. “Will this ever be okay again?” you wonder.
A new beginning
Fortunately, there are many couples who — after a number of sessions and the necessary “homework” — succeed in finding their way back to each other. This often happens faster than you’d think. “A new beginning” is therefore a phrase I hear often in my practice. Because once the dust has settled after such a drastic period, and longings and feelings of loss have been spoken out loud, there’s suddenly room to choose each other again, very consciously.
And yes, the relationship will be different than it was before, but honesty demands saying that many partners don’t even want to go back to how it was, especially now that they’ve experienced how nice it is to share emotions with each other, to have real conversations, and to feel that connection and intimacy again — something that had often not been the case for a long time.
Her relationship felt like a much-too-tight coat
Late last year I had an appointment with Ella (29). In our first contact she indicates she wants to move on without her husband Jos (51). She’s even already moved in with a friend. In a calm voice, she confides to me that for years she was an insecure woman who loved living in the shelter of an older man. “With Jos, everything has to be big.
He takes up a lot of space, has an important job, and lots of friends among whom he’s the center of attention. Jos got to enjoy being successful, and I did too, in my own way, at home with the kids.“ What stands out to me is that Ella doesn’t blame her husband for anything. In fact, she’s grateful to him for the years in which she could lean on him, but now wants to spread her wings wide open. A slip-up during a retreat opened her eyes even further, she says. “There’s no going back, I have to stand on my own two feet, grow, discover myself even more. The relationship with Jos feels like a coat that’s far too tight.”
He tried desperately to hold on
Jos is desperate. “Then we’ll do whatever you want for the next 20 years!” To keep at least some grip, he tries to analyze the situation. When exactly did it go wrong? Where did things start to tear? In the sessions that follow, grief, jealousy, accusations, and anger take turns. Things get rough. At one point he threatens to keep the children with him if she no longer wants to continue with him. Fortunately, they find their way back to each other during the next session and are able to talk to each other from a place of gentleness. Ella has an eye for Jos’s pain and, at the same time, stays close to her own desires and remains steady during this difficult period.
A new future
During the final conversation, Jos asks with genuine interest about Ella’s plans and ideas, and indicates he’d also like to learn from her perspective and new experiences. Ella and Jos don’t get back together. In this case, infidelity was the well-known last straw in a relationship that was already fairly out of balance. And yet, for these two people as well, we can speak of a new beginning. Not for them together, but for each of them individually. Both move into the future with confidence and make a new beginning.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.