How a Depression Leads to More Meaning
This blog is about depression. Not exactly a pleasant topic to read about, let alone to write about. And yet I feel it’s important that things are shared about it. In this blog I talk about my own depressive feelings and what I did to come out of them. And I talk about how beautiful someone’s life can look after a depression.
The difference between a depression and depressive feelings
The difference between depressive feelings and a depression is that depressive feelings come and go. You go through things, you find that unpleasant and feel down about it, you don’t like that, and it passes again. A depression, on the other hand, lingers longer, like a heavy cloud or heavy clouds, dark skies that simply hang around for days, sometimes weeks, sometimes even months.
The effect on those around you
It’s very difficult for the person themselves, and often even more so for those around them. Or perhaps just as much. They feel powerless and try everything to pull someone out of it. They try with all their might to do everything in their power to get the person they love out of the depression. It’s a long road that wears on them, so that they themselves also become gloomier, unstable, and sometimes even get physical complaints from the tension it brings.
Ultimately, this is about balance — that you don’t only take care of the other person, but also keep checking in on what you need yourself, and that you can let the sun shine for yourself too. Sometimes literally taking distance by going away for a weekend helps, and enjoying the small things in life again. And because you let go in that way, the person who is depressed can feel more room again, instead of the guilt that exists because the other person so badly wants things to be different and you can’t make them different yet.
Being afraid of depression
My own experience with depressive feelings is now seven years ago. I still remember, when I was a student at the Dutch Academy of Psychotherapy, that we had a little book by Alice Miller, The Drama of the Gifted Child.
The first half of the book was about the qualities that make you become a therapist, such as being sensitive, being intuitive, being able to attune to people, caring for people, feeling misunderstood as a child by the people around you because you’re so sensitive, and finding your way in that. That fit like a glove — it was entirely about me.
The second part of the book was about depression, and that second part I never wanted to read. And for a therapist, that means it sits in your shadow. It means that depression, or depressive feelings, is not the territory you want to be in, so you deny that you have it, and that’s so strong that you can’t even read anything about it. Of course I knew, on some level, because I was training to be a therapist, that something was there. And it took quite a while before I could do anything with that.
My own experience with depression
Until, at the end of February 2015, a colleague of mine died by suicide. It came suddenly, it came unexpectedly, and of everyone I know, he was the last person I would have expected it to happen to. I felt a lot of grief, immediately — I was completely devastated by the news. I didn’t believe it. It was too much to take in. All I could do was cry.
I then also tried to keep going. I had just started a new assignment as an interim manager, and was implementing an organizational change together with a colleague. So it was important that we set that up well from day one. And I did that as best I could. And at the very last moment I read the funeral notice, which said I had half an hour left to make it to the farewell, while the travel time was also half an hour. So I got straight in the car to see him one more time and say goodbye. And when I saw him lying there, only then did I truly believe it.
Dealing with the grief after a colleague’s suicide
In the period that followed, I went into survival mode, as I did back then. Work harder, keep going. I also did try to make room for my feelings. I also tried to work through it in a spiritual way, with thoughts like “it’s part of life” and “it was his choice.” I also tried to understand it, so I searched for all kinds of things online. I went back through the notes from our conversations to see if he had already given signals there.
I watched videos he had made and tried to find a deeper message in them. And in a way, I did find that. When I heard back what he had said, now knowing what I knew, I listened very differently to what he had said. And that affected me too, and I thought, “why didn’t I see and hear it back then?”, “why did he never discuss it with me?” Perhaps he didn’t want to give me a sense of guilt. And he had in fact seen a psychiatrist and a psychologist — he had sought help, I heard later.
Thoughts about the meaninglessness of life
It also took a while, and eventually I ended up in a short depression. It felt as if I had ended up in his energy. I sat at the kitchen table, hunched over, and asked myself, “what is this life about,” “what is it about in this world, this superficiality, this fast-paced society?” I couldn’t find the answer — in fact, it made me so depressed that all I could do was stare ahead of me. I no longer felt like doing anything.
How I came out of it again
Fortunately, my partner asked me at that moment what I needed. And I said I needed a walk and apple pie. We went for a walk, got some air, grounded ourselves, I talked, told my story, felt grief, felt the emptiness. And ultimately those were steps in the right direction, and it helped me enormously.
Depression forces you to get to your essence
Now, in my role as a psychotherapist, I also help people with depression. I did a specialization to help people with moderate depression. And I’ve discovered that the combination of talking, walking, and meditating or doing yoga is a very good key. And not just talking casually, but therapeutic talking, doing interventions, processing grief, making contact with the cause of the depression. This makes people feel understood and heard.
It’s about bringing something very deep back to the surface that’s hidden from the person themselves. I help people go to the core of the problem, to search for that feeling that didn’t want to be felt. It’s about the meaning of life, the reason why you’re here as a person, what you come here to bring, what you come here to do, and moving toward that. That you process things from the past and regain hope for the future. That you start living instead of surviving. That’s essentially what depression forces you to do.
Depression viewed from the medical angle
From a medical point of view, a depression is a disorder, which means you need to take medication to balance your emotions. It means having years of conversations with psychiatrists who go step by step in search of the past and talk to you about it. Or that sometimes, unfortunately, you’re prescribed something once and thirty years later you’re still using the same medication, feeling flat in the meantime.
Connecting with the feeling you don’t want to feel
Whereas, in my experience, it’s really about: what do you not want to feel? What are you pushing away? And if you allow those feelings and start feeling them, you make room for the whole of who you are. If you suppress parts of yourself, you no longer feel connected to your essence.
Get moving
People often stop going outside, or instead sit for hours in front of the TV, watching Netflix, lying in bed, playing computer games, just to distract themselves from what it’s really about.
With a depression, it’s about getting into motion. Literally. So you go outside, you have a daily rhythm. You make sure, at the very least, that you get some fresh air every day. Grounding is enormously important. Grounding means having your feet on the ground, making contact with your feelings, walking, getting your body moving. And from that movement, loosening up everything you’ve locked in place. That’s the foundation.
Get back among people
And once you see that light from outside again, it’s also important to make contact, to be social, to be around people. Because on some level you’re very lonely. And that loneliness has a grip on you. That also has a nice side, because you don’t have to do anything. And life goes on without you. And then all kinds of negative thoughts come along with that, and that doesn’t help. That makes it worse.
A combination of things that help
So what does help is going outside, getting out there, movement. And then searching for those feelings you’re suppressing. And that can be done in a number of ways.
Meditation is a lovely, calm way. There are also special Kundalini Yoga meditations for depression. You do that meditation for 11 minutes a day, and if you do that for 40 days in a row, you’ll really notice that it helps. That you’re really transforming something, without having to have all kinds of conversations about it.
And then there are the conversations with a psychotherapist, psychiatrist, or psychologist. In my case, as an Integrative Psychotherapist, you go in search of that feeling that doesn’t want to be felt. I can help you reconnect with yourself. And because of that, certain qualities also come back and become available to you again. You get more energy from it and literally start to blossom and grow again. That’s truly beautiful to see and experience.
Literally crossing the threshold
That does require a certain foundation. It’s not that people with depression say, “oh yes, let’s just do that.” No, they have to cross the threshold, and sometimes they literally need to be taken outside by the hand.
After the depression, you enter a completely different world
So it’s actually very beautiful to work with people in this way, because it’s about meaning, about your essence, about who you are at the deepest level. And once that’s freed up again, and once people start to blossom again, you see a very clear look in their eyes. You see people who almost look right through you, because they become transparent. Because they’re in contact with themselves, and from that contact with themselves, dare to be in the world, put their qualities out into the world, and share their joy and energy again. And then they’re in a positive spiral, and that’s beautiful to see.
In closing, it wasn’t all that pleasant to write about depression, or to even begin. I found it difficult at times too — I also became emotional thinking back on my own experiences. And at the same time, something so beautiful lies on the horizon. I wish that for everyone. So this had to be written down.
Do you want to talk about this, or do you know someone going through this, or do you wish someone going through this something different, or do you have these kinds of issues yourself — let me know. I’d love to help you. I wish you a wonderful, sunny day.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.