A Relationship Crisis Sometimes Has a Long Run-Up
Many people stay stuck in a relationship they’re not satisfied with at all. Your relationship matters to you. You want it to run smoothly and you want to be happy. Unfortunately, that’s not always the case.
What do you expect from your relationship?
You yourself are responsible for your happiness and satisfaction in your relationship. If you’re not getting what you need or want, it’s up to you to take steps to change that. That starts with making a choice about what you want in your relationship.
Getting clarity on what you want in your relationship
So the first step is to get an honest picture of what you do and don’t want in your relationship. This means you can explore your expectations and needs and ask yourself whether your relationship meets them. You might think that’s difficult and that you need to set aside time to think about it. Actually, it’s quite simple. You can simply ask yourself “what do I want more of” and “what do I want less of”?
Communication with your partner
The second step is to talk to your partner about your feelings, about what you want, and about what you no longer want or want less of. Talking with your partner can be challenging, because you’ve probably already tried it many times and feel like your partner isn’t listening to you, isn’t making time for you, or doesn’t understand you.
A crisis sometimes has a long run-up
That’s the reason Marjorie asked her husband to come along to relationship therapy. He initially didn’t want to, and after asking a number of times, at some point she simply couldn’t take it anymore. She wrote him a long letter in which she told him what she had missed in the relationship and that, for her, it was now over. She no longer felt it. She wanted to split up.
My experience as a relationship therapist is that people often wait a very long time before going into therapy together. They think they can solve it themselves, don’t want to air their dirty laundry, and aren’t looking for someone to judge them.
Bram told me he came to the first relationship therapy session with a heavy heart. They’d had bad experiences with another therapist. During the session they were relieved by my non-judgmental attitude, and it gave them renewed hope that they could save their relationship.
Repairing your relationship problems
In practice, I very often hear that couples notice within 2-3 months how much their relationship has changed. That they wish other couples the same, and wish they’d come years earlier — before the bomb went off because one of the two no longer felt the love, or because there was an affair in the relationship. In that case, a lot of repair work is needed. 80% of the people who come to my practice subsequently go on happily together.
Relationship therapy is an important tool for many couples experiencing problems. I help couples become aware of the cause of their problems. Examining the underlying problem ensures that something fundamentally changes in the relationship. And that’s important, because otherwise the old patterns quickly resurface.
Causes of relationship problems
The cause of problems in relationships can range from communication issues, differences in values and beliefs, emotional distance, and unprocessed trauma. These underlying issues can be complex and layered, and often both partners aren’t aware of how it plays out in their relationship.
Getting to the core together
During relationship therapy, you’re both encouraged to explore your individual experiences and feelings, as well as the dynamic of your relationship. This process can help you identify and understand the cause of the problems. By acknowledging the source of the problems, you can understand each other better, show understanding, and thereby process the past and leave it behind you — so old grievances stop resurfacing.
You want to feel understood
The key in every relationship is communication. I help couples talk to each other respectfully and non-confrontationally. This allows you to find solutions together that work for both of you. I help you develop the necessary skills to communicate effectively, feel your way through emotions, and discuss them in a way that makes you feel understood. Very often I hear people say, with surprise, that they feel so understood; “this is the first time in 27 years that I’ve felt so understood!” I guide you through this process by offering a safe, non-judgmental environment, encouraging open and honest communication, and supporting you in creating a vision for your relationship.
Why do you fall back into old patterns?
Sometimes people slip back into their old patterns after a while, because they haven’t put enough time and energy into carrying through the changed behavior and communication patterns. It can also be that they haven’t received enough emotional support from their partner or environment, causing them to fall back into old habits. Or there’s a life event, such as a burnout, someone passing away, a layoff, or something else that hugely increases the stress in your relationship — such as, for example, discovering infidelity.
To prevent falling back into your old patterns, it’s important to keep actively working on the improvements and to make sure you both feel responsible for continuing to work on your relationship. And to seek help in time if you notice the old patterns creeping back in.
In summary, it’s important to make a choice about what you want in your relationship and to be aware of your expectations and needs. By communicating openly and respectfully with your partner and working together on a solution, you can get the relationship you truly want.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.