The Effects of Power in Relationships
Power is a peculiar phenomenon, and the idea that one person has or wants power over another is strange in itself. And yet I encounter it often, even in romantic relationships. Like a nocturnal creature, power creeps into the relationship and gradually gains more ground — with all the unpleasant consequences that entails.
Kitty, a client of mine — of course under a fictitious name — became the victim of a partner who exercised power over her in a truly extreme way. Which is remarkable in itself, because at first glance Kitty is a highly successful woman with a thriving business, who dresses stylishly and drives a nice car. You’d say she has it all figured out and knows exactly what she wants.
Until she starts telling me about her childhood: a period in which she lacked a lot of attention. Her drive to be successful certainly stems partly from that. “Actually, I’m still a girl who longs for approval,” she confides in me.
Falling prey
Then charming Ralph enters her life. She falls for him completely; he knows exactly which buttons to push and wins her over entirely. Within a few months, he’s decided which clothes she wears, which contacts she lets fade away, and which parties she cancels. He isolates her. After a year, he leaves her for someone else. She’s left behind, torn apart, barely a shadow of her former self.
Can this happen to any of us? That we fall prey like this to someone with bad intentions? Yes and no. I think it can happen to anyone, but our self-image and sense of self-worth do determine how far we go along with it and how much we tolerate. Someone with a solid foundation draws a line sooner: “This far and no further!”
Power plays a role in many relationships
Kitty didn’t dare set boundaries; she probably had the idea that she needed Ralph, that he filled a void. Someone who operates this cunningly usually has a nose for women with this kind of deficit or other emotional issues.
Kitty’s story is extreme, but power plays a role in many relationships, albeit somewhat less visibly. Controlling the other person, manipulating them, withholding intimacy or sex — these are also forms of exercising power over the other. After all, you want to get something from your partner, and you have your methods for that.
Women can also take the power role in a relationship
I’ve had several conversations in my practice with Lex. His wife Esther is dominant and remarkably controlling. Wherever he goes or whatever he does, and with whom — she wants to know it all, down to the detail. This has been going on for years. She’d prefer to do everything together, but he wants space. Many a weekend with friends has been cancelled by him at the last minute because of her.
At work he functions well, but once home he feels like a bird in too small a cage. “I want to end my relationship,” he sighs. “Just being able to have a meal with someone, without controlling texts asking where I am. Not that probing look every time when I come home a bit later.”
One day, it’s over
The dynamic that Lex and Esther are trapped in is not unfamiliar to me. I see more couples where one begrudges the other everything, relationships in which people strip each other of power. This can go on for years, but one day, it’s over. Kitty’s issue and that of Lex and Esther share exactly the same origin. Just as Kitty sets no clear boundaries out of fear of losing Ralph’s love, Esther gives her husband Lex no minute of freedom, likewise out of fear of losing him.
Their behavior likely both stem from a lack of self-love. Paradoxically, that “holding on too tightly” to the other person is precisely what brings about the loss of that person. In my view, people are made to connect with one another, but never under coercion. In a good relationship you can move towards the other person freely, without having to give up your identity. Power games, in whatever form, really don’t belong in love.
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. Check out the Loveworkx YouTube channel too, and subscribe to receive regular practical tips to make your relationship better. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.