That Empty Feeling After Sex!
Maybe you recognize this: after a wonderful romp, you’re suddenly overcome by an empty feeling and you can’t quite explain why you feel this way.
You look over. Your partner doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. He gets out of bed, grabs his phone from the nightstand, and tells you what time it is on his way to the bathroom. Business as usual, while you sink back into that unpleasant feeling of loneliness. How can that be? You could just cry!
One with the other
You’re not the only one struggling with this “empty feeling.” I hear about it often in my practice, and I explain the phenomenon like this: as humans, we want, more than anything, to connect with each other at the deepest level. If we look at this longing through the lens of attachment theory, you can trace it back to going back to the womb, where you were one with your mother. From a spiritual perspective you might say: one with the universe, no longer separated from the world around you.
When you have sex with someone and are able to fully open yourself up to them, and they to you, you may well feel that connection. Whether that connection is really there, or whether you simply want it or think it’s there, I’ll leave open.
In and out of contact
When we have sex, we are often “in contact” with the other person, closely connected. The empty feeling afterward arises when you experience going “out of contact” again. You feel separated again. Cold after warmth. Unfortunately, we’ve never learned to deal with that lonely feeling, or to connect with ourselves rather than only with the other person.
Unfortunately, we’re not always connected to ourselves and our partner. Then, during sex, you don’t feel connected at all — as if it’s mechanical, and you’re waiting for it to be over. When you’re not making love from your feelings but “just having sex” because your partner wants to, you can likewise feel very empty afterward.
Duality
Unconsciously, the longing to merge with someone, to melt into each other, is so great that we go looking for it in the form of a relationship. However, for many people, connecting is also terrifying. That’s the duality of the wish to connect with someone: on the one hand you long for it, and on the other you’re afraid of it. And that creates unease. So we can say that the thing we long for most is also something we fear. We’re afraid of becoming dependent on the other person.
Where does that fear of dependency come from?
That fear is often the result of wounds and heartbreak from the past. As a child you’re dependent on your mother for nourishment and touch, and if you didn’t get that at the moments you needed it, you often struggle with dependency later in life. The problem can also arise later in life, through a relationship with a partner where there’s emotional or physical abuse, or someone who was emotionally unavailable to you.
What can you do to get rid of that empty feeling?
First, it’s important that you learn to connect with yourself. You do this by fully accepting yourself as you are. And that can also mean processing old wounds from the past, so they no longer play such a big role in the present. Once your self-confidence grows and you’re happy with yourself, you can connect with the other person from that inner stability. That feels both free and connected at the same time.
Second, it’s wise not to get too caught up in your head in that moment. By this I don’t mean listening to all the negative thoughts you have, like: “See, I’m just not that important to him,” or “This wasn’t that special for him.” Learning to tame your ego is a good idea in general, and especially during or after sex. Those thoughts create all sorts of unpleasant feelings, and you don’t even know if they’re actually true.
Finally, it’s good to explore your needs and speak up about what you feel or need. Do you want warmth right now, an arm around you, or to just lie together in bed a little longer? Let your partner know!
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 16 years, she has helped more than 1,350 people through individual and relationship therapy. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She regularly works with expats and wrote the e-book ‘Cheating. 5 Steps to Recover from Infidelity.’ She works from her practices in Huizen, Almere Poort, and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.