Fear of Commitment and Fear of Abandonment in Your Relationship
Not only at the start of your relationship, but also within your relationship, you can struggle with fear of commitment or fear of abandonment. In this blog I’ll tell you more about it: how it arises, what the consequences are, and what you can do about it.
What’s the difference between fear of commitment and fear of abandonment?
However opposite they may seem, fear of commitment and fear of abandonment are two of a kind. They’re both forms of attachment issues — unconscious, primal fears that surface. You often notice this in yourself or in the other person at the start of a relationship. But you can also keep struggling with it within the relationship if you don’t address it. It limits you in forming a deeper connection with yourself and with your partner.
What is fear of commitment?
With fear of commitment there is — as the term suggests — fear of connection and intimacy, and a longing for autonomy and freedom. Things move too fast for you in no time, or you specifically choose a partner who can’t reach your feelings or isn’t available to you in some other way.
What happens with fear of abandonment?
With fear of abandonment it’s exactly the opposite. You’re afraid your partner will leave you, and this can make you anxious and/or jealous. It can mean you start adapting to your partner in the hope of getting attention and appreciation. Ultimately you’re working to get the confirmation you’re looking for: that your partner puts you first.
Negative effects of attachment issues
Having attachment issues in a relationship can have various negative effects on the quality and durability of the relationship. Below are some possible effects:
- Emotional distance: someone with attachment issues can have trouble building a close emotional bond with their partner, leading to emotional distance between partners.
- Trust issues: attachment issues can lead to trust problems in the relationship, where the partner feels unsafe or unheard.
- Controlling and jealous behavior: sometimes someone with attachment issues can display jealous and controlling behavior out of fear of being abandoned.
- Communication problems: attachment issues can get in the way of communication, making it difficult to communicate openly and honestly with each other.
- Avoidant behavior: someone with attachment issues may tend to display avoidant behavior in response to conflict or emotional challenges in the relationship.
How do attachment issues arise?
Nine times out of ten, attachment issues originate in childhood. They can also arise later in life during a relationship with a partner who feels unsafe to you, through a disruption in attachment development, or through a traumatic event.
The first three to twelve years of life are crucial for attachment. And that can be with one or both parents, but attachment can also form with a grandparent or another caregiver.
When it comes to attachment problems, you might think of violence, abuse, or bullying, but these fears can also develop simply because you experienced the feeling that your emotions didn’t matter.
This creates either a negative self-image or too little trust in others, causing you to either build a wall around yourself and be unwilling or unable to express your emotions, or to become excessively focused on seeking the attachment you missed as a child. The difficult part is that you don’t consciously experience this feeling and the actions that stem from it. You don’t realize that certain events have, so to speak, left a “hole” in your personality, which you try to fill with affectionate attention in your relationship.
Want to know more about your attachment style? Read this blog.
Therapy helps heal and connect
Whatever form of attachment issues you experience, something can be done about it through therapy. This allows you to work on your attachment issues and build a healthy, close emotional bond with your partner. Below are some examples of how I help people, in both individual and relationship therapy sessions:
- Improving self-awareness: therapy can help you become more aware of the causes of attachment issues, such as past trauma or a lack of trust.
- Resolving conflicts: therapy can help resolve conflicts in the relationship and improve communication skills, making it easier to work together on attachment issues.
- Support with change: therapy can help support change and growth, so that someone with attachment issues is able to build and maintain healthy emotional bonds.
- Building trust: therapy can help build and strengthen trust in the emotional bond with your partner, reducing the fear of being abandoned.
- Building self-confidence: therapy can help improve self-confidence, so that someone with attachment issues feels more at ease in emotional and physical connections.
How do you actually form a connection? Take a look at this video on my YouTube channel.
Everyone is unique, and the treatment and the length of recovery depend on the specific needs and circumstances of you as a person. Above all, don’t let it drag on too long — there’s something you can do about it!
Bio
Jacqueline Evers is a relationship therapist who helps couples build a loving, fulfilling relationship instead of a bitter and costly divorce. Over the past 18 years, she has helped more than 1,450 people through individual and relationship therapy. 80% of relationships improve. With her book ‘Cheating. Moving Forward Together in 5 Steps’, she offers couples affected by infidelity a new way of loving. She works from her practice in Almere and online, and is regularly heard on NPO1 radio. The Loveworkx podcasts can be heard on Spotify, among other platforms.